Thoughts for the Day: 9/2/08

Birds eat insects--gross!

The color puce gives me funny looks and always sits next to me in movie theaters--totally lame!

Pumice is a type of volcanic rock--I don't care! Or couldn't I!?! No.

Introspective from a High Person Part II: I don't particularly like Hillary.

I feel like I should be progressive, but I don' t really lik e Hilllary Clinton. She is way ot much I shining light grey orange I prefer tospell grey with the fucking l33t speak any way grey should be Brithish , like Clement Atlee, the awesomest prime minister of the fucking twentieth i should use the long spelling more dchance for a hilarious screw up with typing anyway the british civil war was from 1649-1660 whoops sorry that's the protectorate. Oliver had a son named Ricard I think Oh fuck RIchard III is so fucking cool I forgot when what? Right any way kind of begins with Rickard, but it has a g scale which sound cool, like c I thing of c as feminine but g as masculine, but I don't know why. Oh shit so yeah Richard III awesomest shakespeare play ever he's so deeply evil, I appreacieate the purity of shakepeares characters, there symple and they resonate well. Rosin is make of resin I think oholy fuck the freaky lik my mind told me to make the d but instead I wrote the k instead. Holy fuck I just had to talk to my cousin, but I had to spell correctly and shit that really slows you down. But anyway yes the Protectorate swas from as perioud of time to another period of time. Roughly the seventeenth century that really confues you right? Me too. The add a number above what it was 1600s-17th century, what the shit rthat's just crazy. Period. Okay so William the COnqueror indvaded Englandn in ten sixty six, that his son William II, then Henry I who had a daughter Matilda who married Geoffrey Plantagenet, Then Stephen his kids name was Eustace. Fuck. Ugly name. Anyway, then Henry II son of Matilda and Geoffrey married Eleanor of Aquitane, who had more almost land than the King of France! Marseille, Marseille nationl anthem sound like the Internationale both patriotic propaganda my hand hurts Varshavianka Warsawian as we are all familiar with I didn't want to risk the contrction, there I go again. Okay so then including Henry ii are the plantagenet kings stubborn and red haird, okay so Richard I, JOhn, henry III he had to fight Simon de Montfort awesome guy lead a rebellion with just his bare kneecaps. So then Edward I really fucking cool Hammer of the Scots and all that he stole the fucking stone of scone, fantastic picture, by the way. Then Edward II and his boyfriend Piers Gaveston, my understatement is subtle and understatementally. My ancestor Roger Mortimer killed Him! Oh yeah fucking cool. So what next right Edward III who had son named Edward the Black Prince, who had a son named Richard II who was displaced by Henry the fourth ivth who had a sond Henry V once more into the breach dear friennds! Who had son named Henry VI who aw fuck it. So any way about Hillary I think she is a politician, too easy to call her a robot. I mean that in a good way but theree's a large section of the populace that just won't vote for her. So sorry yheah buy Im waiting for fucking pizza.

Mike Huckabee: Second or Secondest?

Presidential candidate and former Arkansas governor Mike "Ol' Huckmeister" Huckabee recently came in second in the entirely worthwhile and representative Ames Straw Poll, catapulting him to the top tier of Republican candidates who are not Mitt Romney or Rudi Giuliani. Exclaimed a high-ranking Huckabee Staffer: "If it weren't for the two exponentially more popular and well-funded candidates ahead of us, we might almost be relevant! Secretary of Agriculture, here we come!"

However, Huckabee's new-found popularity and media attention most certainly will shed light on some dubious aspects of Huckabee's past life--questions he must inevitably answer if his outside bid for Agriculture Secretary will have any chance. For instance:

1. If Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution, how does he--or his precious "God"--explain these campaign slogan from the mid-nineties: "Mike Huckabee--He Inherited Certain Genetic Traits through Reproduction Among Successive Generations as a Result of Natural Necessity" and "Mike Huckabee: He's Evoluto-rific!"?
2. Is there substance to the rumors concerning the grisly "Glee Club Death Rituals" at Ouachita Baptist University (See "B Sharp or You'll C Your Grave: Student Body Diminshed by Fashion-Obsessed A Capella Cult," Ouachita Standard, 1975)?
3. Did Huckabee--or should we say "Ming Wei," or perhaps "General Krang"--really operate a string of opium dens along the Arkansas-Oklahoma border while serving as Lieutenant Governor?
4. Why do tales of shady "golden egg-laundering schemes" keep cropping up in the local news and just what will the fomer governor's response be to allegations that he "grinds bones to bake [his] bread"?
5. Was Huckabee, supposed alias "Pyotr Alekseyevich 'Razors' Karporov," really involved in an illicit diamond-smuggling operation for the Russian Mafia under cover of his apparently unsuccessful chain of "Yuri Gagarin's Glorious Peoples' House of Waffles" restuarants?

Drugs, Thugs, and Cosmonauts: Huckabee quite certainly--and perhaps literally--has some skeletons in his closet. Are these potential scandals enough to keep him out of that comfy AGSEC chair? Only time--or perhaps a mysterious informant known to the blog only as "Jacky Stalks"--will tell.

SiM Presidential Profiles: William Henry Harrison

President: William Henry "Tippecanoe" "Old Gravyboat" Harrison
Political Party: Whig
Term: March 4th, 1841 - April 4th, 1841

William Henry Harrison's first words proved prophetic. At the tender age of six, having just finished nursing at a his nanny's breast, the young William, with an uncharacteristic, ambitious gleam in his eyes, uttered:

"I will go down in United States history as the most useless, irrelevant president ever--oh yeah, I'll also kill a bunch of Indians."

The Incorrigible Mr Ridgwater: Part Deux

Act V

Scene i
Snyffe-Harrington: Why yes, yes I am.
Mr Ridgwater: Lying!?
Snyffe-Harrington: Indeed. Quite.
Mr Ridgwater: You, Nigel, you my dearest, most august and venerable friend would stoop to such infamy? If sweet Gertrude, the feminine portion of your own parental tandem could hear you now! Her ears would wither away, her soul languishing upon the horrid nature of your prevaricative ignominy!
Scene ii
Snyffe-Harrington: Come now, come now, come now, dear Ridgwater! Need I present to your ebullient attention a certain incident involving a red-breasted parakeet, a waistcoat, calipers, four pheasant's eggs, and one particularly unfortunate hedgehog? Were not you, after you had been caught dangling from the oak outside of Brighton
Pavilion with a physician's stethoscope wrapped firmly around the obliquitous section of your lower limb, prone to your own tergiversation? I have it on the supreme authority that you most definitely were!

Act VI

Scene i
Ridgwater: Now I hardly see how the injudicious indiscretions of my youth could even compare to your...
Snyffe-Harrington: Dear Ridgwater! You were three-score and twain if you were a fortnight!
Ridgwater: Be that as it may, I cannot for the life of me fathom why a respected, indeed a treasured agent of the church such as Shropshire's own Nigel Snyffe-Harrington would even conceive of such trickery in regard to the animative state of our Matriarch and Queen!
Scene ii
Snyffe-Harrington: 'twas a joke! I assure you, only that and nothing more!
Ridgwater: A joke?!

Act VII

Scene i
Snyffe-Harrington: A joke, yes.
Ridgwater: I must admit that I fail completely to see the jocose quality in such injurious raillery!
[Snyffe-Harrington chuckles]
Ridgwater: [increasingly distressed]: No, no, no, no, no! There is not a dram of drollery in this jest, not even the tiniest, the most minuscule or infinitesimal jot!
[Snyffe-Harrington guffaws heartily]
Ridgwater: It is you, Snyffe-Harrington, who has failed so dismally at badinage! The queen? In her final slumber? In immortal repose, tended by cherubim and seraphim? Calling upon the saints Edward and George--as easily as you and I call upon our colleagues at the Honarium Society--and supping upon nectar and ambrosia? Such heavenly delights, I fear, must elude her yet. Dead? Indeed!
Scene ii
Door-Knocker: Knock. Knock. Knock.

Act VIII

Scene i
Ridgwater: [calling down] Yes? What is it? Come up immediately!
[A servant arrives on the escalator]
Servant: A message, sir, from the palace!
Ridgwater: Pertaining to what, man!?
Servant: Perhaps you should read it yourself sir. While I, of course a lowly and humble servant, would never succumb to the temptation of reading your most private missives, I have been assured by the messenger that the information contained within is of a most...sensitive nature.
Ridgwater: Sensitive? What are you jabbering about? Such imprecise mouths on the help these days! What a pitiful state our ancient tongue will be in if we all begin to spew forth such grammatical refuse! Hand it here.
[The message changes hands]
Scene ii
Ridgwater: [after a quick scan] O, Hammurabi's elephant!
Snyffe-Harrington: What is it?
Ridgwater: By Diocletian's sandal!
Snyffe-Harrington: Ridgwater, what in the world is it about?!
Ridgwater: Sweet Nero's forelock!
Snyffe-Harrington: Ridgwater!
Ridgwater: The Queen, Nigel, she's...

To Be Continued...

Yahoo is Awesome, and Unlike Google, Doesn't Totally Suck

SiM officially endorses the Yahoo search engine.

Search for "Substance is Moot" on Yahoo, first hit:

Substance is Moot
Substance is Moot. The life and times of a leading unintelligst. Wednesday, May 10, 2006. A Blast from the Past--The Space-Past! First Appeared on June 30th, 2005. Out of the depths of space comes the inestimable Rocketlord! ... Search for "Substance is Moot" garners 30,700 hits on Google ...theperfectgist.blogspot.com - 65k - Cached - More from this site - Save

Search for "Substance is Moot" on Google, first hit:

Guardian Unlimited Columnists Andrew Rawnsley: The lame duck ...
Whether the British presidency of the EU can actually achieve anything of substance is moot, but the way in which he has taken charge of the argument is ...www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,,1515073,00.html - 53k - Cached - Similar pages

Fuckers. We want our 30,700 hits back! How else is that guy in Indonesia going know how kick-ass we are?

A Blast from the Past--The Space-Past!

First Appeared on June 30th, 2005

Out of the depths of space comes the inestimable Rocketlord! Born Rex Mehlman, to honest, God-fearing parents, he dedicated his life to the American virtues of Freedom, Pride, and Capitalism!

Very American? Yes! As Mother's sweet, sweet apple pie? Truly!

On a fateful day in 1952, when young Rex was just a young, young boy he discovered a mighty Spaceship--a Spaceship that can defeat the very laws of time and space!

Out of this world? You couldn't be more correct!

The Spaceship transported him and his school chums to the future(!) and transformed Rex into a man, a mighty space-man--The Rocketlord! It is now the year 2003, and the world has been conquered by criminals--that's scary stuff! But the Rocketlord and his daring cadre of Rocket Cadets have come to save the day!

Gaze at the Rocketlord's robust masculinity as he zooms through cosmos in his renamed ship, the Freedo-Liberty! Watch as the Rocketlord battles SpacePirates, SpaceRuffians, and SpaceCommunists!

Sound courageous? You bet! Exhilarating? You'll barely be able to hold on to your glass of rich, chocolate Ovaltine!

Can Rex Mehlman, the Rocketlord, gain the heart of Meldra, the Princess of Mars?! Can he find the secret trove of spacegold buried deep below the surface of Greldorm XII?! Can he save his faithful friend Julian from the vile clutches of NeoHitler and his ravenous band of SpaceNazis?! Tune in to the Daring Adventures of the Rocketlord, and find out!

(Ed Scott as "3-D Danny") (www.rocket-hire.com/ services/)