Mike Huckabee: Second or Secondest?

Presidential candidate and former Arkansas governor Mike "Ol' Huckmeister" Huckabee recently came in second in the entirely worthwhile and representative Ames Straw Poll, catapulting him to the top tier of Republican candidates who are not Mitt Romney or Rudi Giuliani. Exclaimed a high-ranking Huckabee Staffer: "If it weren't for the two exponentially more popular and well-funded candidates ahead of us, we might almost be relevant! Secretary of Agriculture, here we come!"

However, Huckabee's new-found popularity and media attention most certainly will shed light on some dubious aspects of Huckabee's past life--questions he must inevitably answer if his outside bid for Agriculture Secretary will have any chance. For instance:

1. If Huckabee doesn't believe in evolution, how does he--or his precious "God"--explain these campaign slogan from the mid-nineties: "Mike Huckabee--He Inherited Certain Genetic Traits through Reproduction Among Successive Generations as a Result of Natural Necessity" and "Mike Huckabee: He's Evoluto-rific!"?
2. Is there substance to the rumors concerning the grisly "Glee Club Death Rituals" at Ouachita Baptist University (See "B Sharp or You'll C Your Grave: Student Body Diminshed by Fashion-Obsessed A Capella Cult," Ouachita Standard, 1975)?
3. Did Huckabee--or should we say "Ming Wei," or perhaps "General Krang"--really operate a string of opium dens along the Arkansas-Oklahoma border while serving as Lieutenant Governor?
4. Why do tales of shady "golden egg-laundering schemes" keep cropping up in the local news and just what will the fomer governor's response be to allegations that he "grinds bones to bake [his] bread"?
5. Was Huckabee, supposed alias "Pyotr Alekseyevich 'Razors' Karporov," really involved in an illicit diamond-smuggling operation for the Russian Mafia under cover of his apparently unsuccessful chain of "Yuri Gagarin's Glorious Peoples' House of Waffles" restuarants?

Drugs, Thugs, and Cosmonauts: Huckabee quite certainly--and perhaps literally--has some skeletons in his closet. Are these potential scandals enough to keep him out of that comfy AGSEC chair? Only time--or perhaps a mysterious informant known to the blog only as "Jacky Stalks"--will tell.