Mysteries of the Church of the Illustrious Bread Revealed: Part 1

The Central(?) Doctrine: Applied Ambiguity or ORNOTism

Much like the many delicious air pockets existing in the Illustrious Bread's yeasty goodness, so too are there many realities, all surrounded by the Universal Crust that unites us all. Given multiple, and indeed, infinite realities, it is logical and plausible that any and all religious doctrines are perfectly true and accurate within any one (or all) of these universes--or not. Therefore, the Most Sacred Church of the Illustrious Bread encourages and advises its adherents to follow as many, or as few religious faiths as possible--or none at all. It is for this reason that every person is simultaneously a member, or not a member (or partial member) of the Church and is (isn't) entitled to the privileges and responsibilities pursuant to this position and all will (or won't) experience the Great Rising. Furthermore, all I-Breadist (non)dogma must be adhered to rigidly, or partially, or not all, given the nature of reality (realities), the exact chronological moment, the (non)curvature of Space-Time, or Your Mood--It's really up to you--or not. We're (not) cool like that. This concept is most succinctly described as "ORNOTism" and is/isn't/sometimes is the Central Doctrine of the Church of the Illustrious Bread.

A Brief Statement of (Non/Dis)Belief
An Excerpt from Lebkuchen's Small Catechism

We believe that the Great Illustrious Bread--bless his yeasty goodness--created, or baked, all that is, Heaven and Earth, planets, stars, galaxies, and the Universe(s) in thirty minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit; and lo, rejoice, for it was golden, and flaky and delicious. He called his creation the Universal Baguette. But all was not well. For while, in His infinite wisdom, our Divine Loaf was cleaning the Colossal Oven, He noticed a small crumb, quavering and all alone. Taking pity, He tore a Great Chunk from the Crust and placed the crumb, his favorite among all creation, deep within the fleshy white recesses of the Universal Baguette, and marvel, for that crumb was Man, and to crumbs he shall return, and marvel again, for, through the Great Chunk, Man was able to bask directly in the Glory of the Illustrious Bread, and all was well.

But Hark! As the Universal Baguette grew stale, so too did the heart of Man, and he turned from He who is Quite Scrumptious to heathen religions and doctrines and, eventually, to the Great Unleavener, the Anticrust, John Stamos. The Illustrious Bread grew sorrowful and gnashed his doughy teeth and diagnosed Himself with Clinical Depression, so sad He was. After a great while, though, while wallowing in the deepest Pit of Despair--ruefully referred to as Randal--he came upon the Monumental Epiphany. If, in is Elephantine Puissance, he could alter existence so that all philosophies and religions were simultaneously Correct and/or Incorrect and/or Partially Correct, he could welcome All and/or None and/or Some back into His fold, OR NOT. At Any Rate, it seemed to Make Sense at the Time, for, lo, the Illustrious Bread was on Medication and Randal was Ventilated Poorly and was a Generally Unsanitary place in which to Wallow. He did so and called this Central(?) Doctrine ORNOTism. He resolved to send his only son Ibj to spread the Word among Men, and Die for No Apparent Reason.

In the town of Stuttgart on the Eve of August the Ninth in the year of Our Loaf, 34!*4, it came to pass that Hildegard Pumpernickel had a Bun in the Oven. She immediately gave birth. It was a boy child, and she named him Ibj in honor of His Crustiness. His first words were OR NOT and all rejoiced. And so young Ibj grew into a man and preached the tenets of ORNOTism, and By the Grace of the Word he gained followers, whom he called the Baker's Dozen. Marvel, for He baptoasted them and they emerged crunchily as Crouton and Biscuit and Roll and White and Wholewheat and Rye and Naan and Focaccia and Corn and Irishsoda and Raisin and Hardtack and Reginald, His favorite. All followed Ibj Crust and His Word until one day, after many proseletyzings, in the Holy State of Pennsylvania, Reginald was a Bastard, and betrayed Him, and Ibj was killed by Some Mongolians. They buried him deep within the ground, but hark, on the fourth-and-a-half day the divine yeast in Him rose again and he Ascended toward the Great Chunk. Before leaving, though, He told all that He would return again upon the Occasion of the Great Rising which he described as "Relatively Significant, OR NOT" and would (wouldn't) bring all true/non/partial believers into the presence of the Illustrious Bread. Until then he would periodically send a Guide in the form of the Pope of Normandy, who would be responsible for "leading the Church through the hypervibrations of Golgathoria." And, Hark! No one understood what any of this meant, but all agreed that it sounded Vaguely Cool, and All Rejoiced.

OR NOT.