The Long Road to Recovery: Stage Two, The Hilarious Political Satire

First appeared on July 10th, 2005

Potential Candidate: Mike Huckabee

Political Party: Republican

Occupation: Governor of Arkansas, Hog Farmer (note: due to a curious quirk in Arkansas state law, all elected officials are required to be, at least nominally, hog farmers. Also notable is that Bill Clinton, upon his promotion to the Presidency, bequeathed his hog farm to political strategist and animal husbandry enthusiast, George Stephanopoulos.)

Education: BA-- Ouachita Baptist University; MFA--Southwestern Baptist Seminary (an infamous "party"seminary)

Mike "Common Law" Huckabee, aged 50, began his political career in 1990, when he was elected Spittoon Inspector by the three and a half legal voters of Collum County. Earning a reputation for efficiency and cleanliness unheard of since the days of Wilk "Smokums" Carmicheal, the young Huckabee easily won re-election in 91 and 92, but stepped down in 93 to become the state's first literate Lieutenant Governor. The election marked a dramatic upswing for Republicans in that state, as they climbed over the scandalized and VD-ridden bodies of their Democratic counterparts in their efforts to dominate and devour the sweet, juicy plumb that is Arkansas state politics. As Lieutenant Governor, Huckabee is remembered for his victory over Coot Gudgins in a pie-eating contest as well as his insistence in keeping the capital city marginally incompetence-free. In 1996, he was sworn in as governor in order to fill the vacancy created when Governor Jim Guy "I Had Nothing to do with Whitewater" Tucker resigned for no apparent reason. Governor Huckabee maintained his staunch pro-voting, pro-issues, and pro-democracy positions, garnering high praise from his constituents and assuring him a full term in 1998 and re-election in 2002. As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee just might be the Republican to beat, as he has made few political gaffes during his tenure--aside from the occasional rapist-pardon or massive school district consolidation. It is unclear whether the Governor intends to run in 2008 or not--at least until one views the subversive material found in Fox Searchlight Pictures's 2004 release: "I Heart Huckabee's."

Disclaimer: (1) Counter to traditional journalistic technique, SiM has instituted the innovative new Bias-Fabricate Method of collecting and publishing campaign information. While the aforementioned procedure is invaluable in increasing convenience and reducing time spent in research, SiM cannot vouch for the accuracy of any or all data found in this post or any others.
(2) We have it from a very accurate authority that Mike Huckabee enjoys delicious bacon!
(http://www.newhorizons.org/strategies/arts/huckabee.htm)

SiM Global Perspectives: Canada

Country: Canada

Background: Canada was founded by a loose assortment of drunken, though exuberant, loggers, fur trappers, and beaver farmers who had been exiled from France for having funny, "gooselike" (Quebecois) accents. These original denizens were supplanted--SiM has recently learned that there was some sort of war which transferred Canada from French to British hands, but we have the good sense not to care--however, by a group of half-deaf, though excessively polite and self-effacing British ploughmen who were in turn exiled for the irritating habit of saying "eh?" after every question. Eventually, Canada also gained an influx of British loyalists ("Tories," or more precisely, "Pussies") from the lower colonies fleeing the newly-formed United States of George Washington (changed to "United States of America" in 1797) after the Revolutionary War. Not ones for making a fuss about such controversial topics as the creation of autonomous governmental and legislative systems, Canada did eventually gain independence at some relatively significant date (1995?), although they kept the Queen for some reason.

Location: Somewhere, vaguely, above the United States. Is Toronto in Canada?

Area: Roughly 100 square kilometers.

Area Comparable: Guatemala

Climate: Cold (average temperature: -40 degrees F)

Terrain: Plains (?), Mountains (?), Coastline (?)

Natural Hazards: Giant, carnivorous Maple Leaves; Hockey

Government Type: constitutional inferiority complexocracy

Capital: Toronto

Administrative Divisions: Toronto, That French Part

Constitution: They have their own Constitution? How quaint.

Chief Exports: Beaver Pelts, Resentment

Head of State: Queen Elizabeth II

Head of Government: That Guy, Michael J. Fox (?)

Military: Stephen

The Long Road To Recovery: Stage One, Profile

First appeared on June 27th, 2005

"To understand the human mind, one must first understand the nature of absurdity"--Me(?) [Us], Maybe Some Magazine, or Guy, Stop Pestering Me [Us]

Name: Harm Shirks Itinerary Prank, Lieblingskartoffel

Male: Mail

Age: as ageless as the tides, assuming they are exactly 6,520.7 days old [Editor's Note: This is no longer entirely true, as the staff now only measures time in terms of Vedic "tihis." ]

Birthday: Roughly one month removed from the Autumnal Equinox

Occupation: King of Cascadia; Pope of Normandy; Ambassador (of? from?) France; Vice President, GSO; Alleged Prime Minister of Canada, Hutu-Blanko Nation; Cherished Potato

Interests: Psycho-babble, cherry-flavored Craisins, politics (ergo, lying), British History, Myself [Meaning, of course, the staffs' selves]

Disinterests: Not Myself, Unintelligence, Unintelligent People [Which is not to be confused with professional "Unintelligests"--a term derived from "unintelligible," which is defined as "being such that understanding or comprehension is difficult or impossible; incomprehensible," and not "unintelligent, " or "having or displaying a lack of intelligence." See also: "feltmation," "quotation marks."]

Political Affiliation: Social Democrat, Democratic Socialist, Sociocrat of Democracism

Religion: (Milquetoast) Lutheran

Bread or Lemons: Bread, toasted with butter

Lenin or Stalin: Lenin

Pop or Soda: Pop

Beat Reid Peterson Over the Head with a Lead Pipe: Yes [Addendum: preferably very hard, with considerable force applied to the foramen magnum.]

Apple Crumb Crisp or Apple Oatmeal Cinnamon Crisp: Depends

Pumpkin Has To Leave Now: Lest he decompose

Indoor Voices or Outdoor Voices: Indoor voices, but only because I [we] assume we're indoors. If not, feel free to use your outdoor voice. I [we], however, have integrity.

Mission Statement: To use this blog as an outlet for randomness that would otherwise be wasted on myself [our selves]. Endure at your own risk. St. Peter is overrated. [Untrue: St. Peter, credited with discovering the pyramids while simultaneously developing a cure for polio and leaking the infamous "Pentagon Papers," is a true American hero, and, if anything, is entirely underrated.]

A Polite Note from the Staff

In case our loyal readers were wondering (all two of them), armageddon has occured. "What?!" you are surely thinking to yourselves. "The beast has risen? The seals have been broken? Horrible disfigured demon-pigs are running rampant through the skies? Christ is judging the shit out of us and he doesn't look very happy? Snowballs' chances of surviving in hell are now over 51%?" No, none of that is true--except for the snowball thing, Hell is actually quite temperate--SiM was, temporarily, deleted. Dead. Gone. Forever removed from the memory of the great, omnipotent behemoth that is cyberspace. Temporarily. What can we say? We somehow fucked up the code. I didn't work anymore. It made us sad. If it were a horse, we would have shot it, but it wasn't, so we chose deletion instead. So now, after roughly fifteen minutes, we're back. Don't worry, most of the posts have been recovered and will be republished soon, so you can once again renew your respective virtual love affairs with Colorado State Senator Dan Grossman. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Doesn't Colorado State Senator Dan Grossman look like Tucker Carlson? How dreamy!